To drink beer, you need to be thirsty.

Work up a thirst. Do a day’s worth of hard labor. Eat something extra salty. Avoid liquids for six hours. Whatever it takes, get thirsty. I don’t mean, “I need a drink” thirsty. I mean, “I’m going to die if I don’t get something to drink” kind of thirst. The dryer your mouth the better At this stage, cotton mouth is your friend. This is step one

Second, you have to order the beer. This is where things can get tricky. You’re dying of thirst, and you’ll be tempted to order anything off that giant wall of beer menu. Oh, did I forget to mention you should be in a bar, pub, or ale house for this? Because you should. Where else are you going to stare at a huge beer list (the bigger the choice the better) and feel that lovely feeling of the bartenders eyes piercing your head with a stare that says,”hurry up and order jerk.” while you stand there, mouth dry and a desert, and try to decide what to drink.

It’s important to know how you’re going to drink before you fire off your order. Is this going to be a session of drinking or are you in the mood for one glass? It’s important to decide this before you even arrive at the establishment. You have to be prepared. Write your plan down on the calendar. Commit to it. Decide how you’re going to drink far in advance and prepare your body and mind accordingly.

The less you are planning to drink the darker the beer you order should be. Darker beers have more substance to them and will fill you up faster. There’s nothing in the world worse than planning to drink three beers and getting full after one. Don’t let the beer defeat you. Make sure you plan so You can be victorious.

Drinking the Beer

Now we get to the thick of it. The gooey center of your experience. The reward for all the hard work and preparation. Now, finally, you get to enjoy your beer.

Remember your thirst. You have to quench it. However, you don’t want to simply gulp your beer down in mere moments. There’s an art to consuming the drink. Start off by taking the first drink quickly after presented with your beverage. Take a long, deep drink. This is not just a sip to get your lips wet. This is the life-saving gulp that is going to quench that thirst that drove you to get a beer in the first place. Don’t worry, you’re probably going to get a foam mustache. The larger the foam mustache the more proof that you took the first drink the right way.

After you have quenched your thirst with that first mighty big gulp, you may let your beer rest for a minute, not more than five though. Always take a drink within that five-minute mark, no matter how big or small. This is the body of your beer drinking, where you enjoy the brew. Notice all the flavors, how it feels in your mouth, the aromas. Engage in your conversations. Order some food. Do all the normal things you do at a pub.

Eventually, you are going to get near the bottom of your glass. When you have about an inch and a half left in the glass, you engage in the swirl. Twirl your beer around in the glass, slightly working up a small head. Then empty the remaining beer into your mouth.

Congratulations! You have successfully drunk your beer. If you are having seconds or thirds, repeat the process. You are now a master at the art of drinking beer, able to navigate any bar, ale house, or pub. No one will ever accuse you of drinking beer incorrectly. You have been given them passed down from generation to generation for as long as we have been brewing beer.

Go forth and drink your beer with confidence, technique, and heart. You are a champion beer drinker.